Tetherd Cow Ahead

A friend of mine told me the other day that secondhand copies of The Da Vinci Code are now so numerous that charities are refusing to take them any more. This led me to wonder to what kinds of uses we might put the ever-increasing tonnage of this dreary piece of literary ephemera as it reaches the end of its far-too-extended lifespan.

Here are some possibilities that occurred to me. Further suggestions welcome:

⊕ Send them back to Dan Brown so that he might comprehend the true magnitude of the hell he has wrought upon the rest of us.

⊕ Build a new World Trade Center out of them, because, should it be bombed by terrorists again, who would care?

⊕ Save them to build levees against rising sea levels (caused by global warming, caused by lack of trees, caused by manufacture of copies of The Da Vinci Code…)

⊕ Send them to prisons and make inmates read them if solitary confinement doesn’t work.

⊕ Build churches out of them.*

⊕ Use them to lure termites away from endangered wooden buildings.

⊕ Build a huge Wickerman-style structure out of them, imprison Dan Brown inside and burn it.

OK, over to you guys.

*’Cause that would piss a lot of people off.

One effective method of stopping junk mail.

Have you noticed that there is appearing in the news media, a kind of nutty and meaningless phraseology that is peculiar to the popular press? Things like ‘… this senseless act of vandalism was committed in the early hours of the morning…’. Senseless act of vandalism? Like there are acts of vandalism that are sensible…?

Maybe:

Sensible vandals today sprayed graffiti over train carriages but made sure not to endanger themselves or the general public by wearing safety harnesses and protective clothing.

Here in Sydney, we have apparently just experienced ‘the ugly side of racism’. This should not be confused with the redeeming side of racism which is, well, er…

Maybe:

The lighter side of racism was demonstrated in Sydney today, when white children beat and shot aboriginal children in an hilarious spoof of the early colonial encounters with the native inhabitants.

And recently the death of a famous media personality, known mostly for his astute business acumen in the field of tax ‘minimisation’, evoked the headline ‘The Many Sides of an Enigma’.

An enigma is not like a box or other geometric figure. It doesn’t have sides. Not even an inside and an outside. What is wrong with ‘The Many Aspects of an Enigma’, or even just simply, ‘An Enigmatic Man’. Next it will be ‘The Many Colours of Opportunity’ or ‘The Many Edges of Freedom’…

Where do these people learn this mangled form of expression? Do they ever actually think before they write? How long will it be before all language becomes entirely meaningless?

I’ve been meaning to write something about the eerie phenomenon of Alien Cattle Abduction for some time (because you know this will be a subject of continued concern here at The Cow), and now Radioactive Jam has stumbled across some breaking news in Canada. Visit this site and find out all about the unsettling facts that governments are hiding from us!

Thanks RaJ, and thanks Canadian Milk Board for doing something funny with advertising for a change.

Last July, fellow blogger and faithful Cow Reader Radiocative Jam spotted what appeared to be God’s SUV whilst on his way to work. Yes folks, it seems that like mostly everyone else God is totally unconcerned about Global Warming and is happy to chew up the fossil fuels with reckless abandon.*

Anyway, the other day I am driving down Botany Road in Alexandria, Sydney, and I cruise up behind this black jeep at the lights. The license plate reads SATAN.

Now I am completely aware that not one single reader is going to believe me after my recent escapades with a certain feline minion of the Dark One, so at great risk to an elderly pedestrian nun, and physical risk to my own person (of a hernia), I retrieve my cell phone from my pocket with a view to snapping a crystal clear shot of the plate.

Too late – before I can say ‘Beelzebub’s Bollocks!”, the jeep is out of range and heading for Hades. I’ve got an iceberg’s chance in Hell of catching him. I realize that you’ll all be scoffing in disdain at the above shot, but it’s the best I could do. Moments later the jeep had disappeared in an oily black puff of diesel and brimstone.†

*Well, I guess in His case, he can argue that He made them, so he can bleedin’ well do what he likes with them…

†One of the tail lights was broken, but I wouldn’t want to be the cop that pulled him over…

Is your computer behaving erratically? Do you suffer from Hangs, Crashes or Freezes? Did you ‘accidentally’ open that ‘hotnakedwives’ jpeg or click on the ‘Nude Kim Possible!’ link that was ‘mysteriously’ sent to your email address last week? Have you comprehensively failed to practice safe text?

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How Does it Work?

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How Much Does it Cost?

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There’s No Such Thing as a Free Lunch. What’s the Catch?

Faithful Readers. I know you will be SO IMPRESSED by the VGWâ„¢ and SO GRATEFUL to have been given the chance to be the first to experience this revolution in Computer Health that you will be wanting to share the VGWâ„¢ with ALL your friends. That’s right Folks, I want you to be my Watery Army and start The New Flood! Send the VGWâ„¢ to all your friends! Send them a link to this post! And make sure they send the Word on to their friends, and to their friends’ friends!†

Why Are You Using So Many Capital Letters and Exclamation Marks?

I DON’T KNOW! I just started writing this post and I COULDN’T HELP MYSELF!!!

So, all you Aquifying Acolytes, off you go to Splash the word around! I want to see my web counter clock fifty thousand hits by the end of the week! Onward towards a Healthier, Happier and Wetter Internet!!!

†And while you’re at it, how about some product endorsements in the Comments?