Tetherd Cow Ahead

Ever since Kevin Cornell posted his sketch of my childhood monster The Prowler a few days back, the image has been lurking in my head (again, after all this time…).

So, herewith a photo portrait of same, so you too can have it in your head.

Tetherd Cow Ahead: The Movie (TCA Films in Association with Echo of a Duck’s Quack) 2hrs 20.

Kate Beckinsale, Helen Hunt, Bob Balaban, Robin Williams, Matthew Modine

Well the hype has led us to expect big things from this summer’s number one blockbuster Tetherd Cow Ahead: The Movie, but does the multi-million dollar, no-holds-barred bio-pic extravaganza live up to expectations?

No-one can accuse producer Landon Flanagan (The Unusual Thing) and director Raymundo (Wild Oats) of taking the easy options with this thriller-cum-psychodrama based on the allegedly true blog of the enigmatic ‘Reverend’ Anaglyph. Bringing any such material to the screen is a challenge, and if there’s one thing that can be said in the film’s favour it is that it succinctly captures the aimless meanderings, disjointed musings and baffling asides of the source material.

The Reverend Anaglyph (Balaban) is a gun-totin’, cigar smoking dapper con-man with a penchant for wearing perfume, who through a series of unlikely accidents comes into possession of a ‘Radionic Machine’ which is believed by some to bestow mysterious powers on its owner. When The Reverend travels to New York and meets leather-clad machine-gun wielding assassin-for-hire Jill (Beckinsale), the extent of those mysterious powers becomes plain. I don’t want to give too much away here, but it is sufficient to say that you’ll be wanting to hang on to your vital organs (especially kidneys and bladders) for these scenes.

It is when evil mastermind Anne Arkham (Hunt) enters the picture that the action ramps right up. In a memorable opening dialogue volley, Arkham (she refers to herself as ‘The Atomic Bitch‘), manages to offend pretty much every known minority group, but still gets a laugh.

A highlight of the film comes soon after with Arkham and Jill duking it out, each attempting to assert superior sexual prowess. The two femmes fatale quickly forget their differences and join forces when the perfidious saltimbanque Joey Polanski (Williams, looking remarkably young on screen) enters the story.

Polanski, and his drooling henchman the cryptically named Jedimacfan (Modine), turn out to be the real villains of this piece. With their odd mannerisms and incomprehensible motivations they bring to Tetherd Cow Ahead the kind of menace that can only be truly appreciated in the knowledge that this is all based on true events. Frightening.

Polanski and Jedimacfan have evidently struck some kind of deal with clandestine US Military interests to create bizarre ‘incidents’ across the country, including the abduction of dairy cattle and the stealing of a nuclear submarine. Anaglyph, Arkham and Jill have their hands full dealing with this unhinged duo, as do the audience, the whole film having gained by this point about as much clarity as a Ken Russell thick shake. The action spans four continents before the key players finally arrive in Australia for the final showdown.

It has to be said that this is not an easy film to like, let alone comprehend. At almost two and a half hours long it is tempting to suggest that Raymundo could have removed the excruciating Polanski/Arkham karaoke scene and the turgid narcissistic ice-skating sequence with Jedimacfan and the stunted fruit-vendor ‘Pasquale’ (a surprise cameo by Tom Cruise). There are moments of existential transcendance for sure (Jill’s chilling semantic reduction of a Jehovah’s Witness’s spiel, Arkham welding Jedimacfan to a cyclone fence), but the net gain is that you leave the movie feeling like you’ve eaten a-half-a-dozen donuts, a couple of pounds of cinammon apples and a giant serving of cheese fries. Still, maybe that’s what’s expected of a big summer movie release.

Performances in the film are, overall, of a high quality. There are no Oscars here, but there’s an awful lot of Method. The music, by Glasgow thrashers ‘Half a Bladder’, is unsettling but catchy. Mr Leu Shan’s costume design is off-beat and engaging in a cross-dressy sort of way, and the digital effects by Simple Graphics Man are competent if a little two-dimensional.

See it with an undemanding friend.

☆☆☆

One of my daily blog reads is illustrator Kevin Cornell’s wonderful Bearskin Rug*. In a recent post about childhood monsters, Kevin asked for readers’ memories of the things that went bump in the night and I mentioned my fear of the dreaded Prowler. Imagine my quivering horror to find that today’s Bearskin Rug features an uncannily accurate rendering of something I thought I had left far behind in the mists of the past.

Gee, thanks Kevin.

Whimper.

Can I open my eyes now…?

*You should be reading Bearskin Rug every day too – it’s not always as scary as this. Sometimes, but not always.

…who would take the starring role? My friends pretty much unanimously agree that I would be best portrayed on the silver screen by Bad Bob Balaban.

Kids: why spelling, grammar and punctuation are important, even if you wish to embark on a criminal career*:

From: support@amazon.com
Subject: Important Notice!

In order to maintain the integrity of the entire Amazon.com system , our crew members is running an data base update . This decision was taken by the High Executive Beaurau of Amazon.com and it should be followed by all of it’s customers .

To follow the procedure just click on the link bellow:

https://www.giveyourmoneytocrooks.com†

We encourage you to log in and perform the steps necessary to help us in our progres .

Thank you for understanding
The Amazon.com Team

I wasn’t at all encouraged to log in and help them with their progres.

I wonder if Amazon really does have a High Executive Beaurau? Or even a Bureau? Sounds fancy. There is definitely a High Executive Beaurau at The Cow as of now.

*Perhaps, these days, especially if you want to embark on a criminal career…
†Not their real names