Archive for November, 2005

In my collection of newspaper clippings I have this small snippet from a couple of years back:

Just Do What the Chicken Says

Police are hunting a robber who held up a shop at gunpoint dressed as a giant chicken. The wanted man walked into the grocery store in Columbus, Ohio, in the yellow costume and demanded cash from the safe.

“We have guys with fake moustaches now and again but never anything like this,” a Columbus police spokesman said. “The person obviously has some kind of access to a chicken suit, or possibly even owns a chicken suit,” he told local television. “So if you know of someone, please call the robbery squad.”

The man fled on his giant orange feet but was not pursued. He faces several charges, including robbery, aggravated menacing and intimidation.

There are several points of interest here. First, note the perspicacity of the Columbus police: “The person obviously has some kind of access to a chicken suit, or possibly even owns a chicken suit”.

Yep. That would be a fair bet.

And even though I am the first to acknowledge the brilliant audacity of Chicken Man’s plan, I can’t help but question the wisdom of wearing ‘giant orange feet’ whilst making the getaway. Surely he could have just double-parked the Chickenmobile outside the joint?

Then there is the issue of ‘aggravated menacing’. A man in a chicken suit could attract many different adjectives but menacing doesn’t spring readily to mind.

I got to wondering about Chicken Man and whether CSI might have turned up something on the scene with their fancy fluorescent lights, so I did a search. Well waddya know? Looks like he’s been busted. News Channel 5 has the dirt.

We all know how it will turn out, right? They throw him in the coop (probably Alcatraz), where bottled-up rage and frustration work on his bird brain, rendering him insane. Then, exposure to some radioactive compound in the prison laundry mutates and amplifies his avian powers until… oh, need I go on?



I grew up in Goulburn, a small country town of about 20,000 people, a couple of hundred kilometres southwest of Sydney.

I had a wonderful childhood, and it is full of the memories of which a childhood should be made: dad taking me for rides on his bike; thick white fog that didn’t lift till noon; going to the Saturday matinee at the cinema (or ‘The Pictures’ as we called them then) and having change from a shilling to buy lollies; the smell of burning autumn leaves; an unexpected present of a box of 12 Derwent coloured pencils (which I left on the school bus one day and never saw again); Easter egg hunts in the house in Albert St; early morning thunderstorms that meant a ride to school in the car; scorching summers buzzing with cicadas; listening to Life With Dexter* with dad by the light of the valves from the old valve radio; the smell of chlorine and suntan lotion at the swimming pool; hot Milo on the back steps with mum.

Some of these memories (but surprisingly few, all things considered) are recorded in photos taken on an old Box Brownie camera which I still have.

Now, snow is a rare sight in most places in Australia, and outside the main mountain ski fields of Perisher Valley in New South Wales and Mount Hotham in Victoria, snowfalls are consigned to a few brief days a year in places that get cold enough.

During my childhood Goulburn was cold enough twice.

Luckily for readers of The Cow, the creation of the Snow Bear is one of my memories that has been preserved on film for posterity. This shot was taken around 1963. That’s my brother Steve on the left.

*Overseas visitors: here’s an mp3 of an episode of Life With Dexter. You can have no better impression of what it was like to be in Australia in the early 1960s.

The Continuing Misfortunes of Simple Graphics Man ~

#7: The Treacherous Pavement (in which SGM loses his footing whilst imagining fresh apricots and cream)

Tetherd Cow Ahead Critical Thinking 101: Lesson #1

Over the last few weeks three people with whom I have some acquaintance have fallen for an internet scam of the ‘Send This email to 20 People You Know and We’ll Give You Something Really Valuable Entirely for Free’ variety.

What is most perplexing is that these are all people who I would consider intelligent, savvy folk under normal circumstances, and who all have at least a modicum of internet experience.

I just can’t comprehend why they, and so many others, fall for these blatantly obvious swindles.

OK, as a Tetherd Cow Ahead Public Service I’m going to inscribe an internet truism here. Got a felt pen? Write it on your mouse-mat:

★ If someone offers you something of material value for free in an email, IT IS A SCAM.

There is no exception to this rule. I have yet to hear of a single instance of someone being offered a freebie of any value and actually getting it.

The kinds of emails we’re talking about come in a variety of different flavours, but they’re basically riffs on the same theme. Sony is the latest victim of this hoax and they have even taken the fairly extreme measures of posting a warning on their site, and an example of the offending email. Let me reproduce it for you here:

Subject: FW: PSP GIVEAWAY!!!
Importance: High

Dear all

Sony is giving away PSP consoles “FREE”!! Sony is trying word-of-mouth advertising to introduce its products. And the reward you receive for advertising for them is a PSP free of cost!

To receive your free PSP all you need to do is send this email out to 20 people for a PSP value pack(see attached picture).

Within 2 weeks you will receive a free PSP! (They contact you via your email address).

What makes this so compelling? I don’t know about you, but when I read this kind of thing, my critical thinking mechanism takes less than an attosecond to file it under Hogwash.

Nevertheless, this phenomenon intrigues me, so here’s the deal: In an effort to understand what kind of person falls for these things I’m going to give a two-week all-expenses paid holiday, flying First Class to Vatulele to the first Cow reader who comments on this post.

Now. Hands up who believed me, even for an instant. (Put your hand down Jam, you’re just being silly).

See? Just because it’s written in proper words on the internet doesn’t mean it’s the truth.

BTW, if anyone from Sony is reading this, I didn’t get my Playstation yet.

This is a true story.

Many years ago, not all that long after I graduated from film school, my brother and I, and our friend Rod moved into the house in Cambridge St. It was a nice house. Big. It had a huge camphor laurel in the back yard, a tree that is a pest in this country, but is a beautiful tree, nevertheless. To our dismay the landlord eventually cut it down. But I digress.

On the day that we took possession of the keys, we walked around the house deciding where everything would go, and who would get what bedroom, as you do. The house was big enough that we had the luxury of an extra room that was to be a small music studio for my brother and I (Rod got the big double bedroom by way of compensation).

Steve and I stood in the new music room, discussing how we would fit it out. The room was on the second storey, and looked down past the dense green foliage of the camphor laurel and onto the garden of the neighbours next door. It was a beautiful sunny Sydney day in early autumn. There was a pause in the conversation. Quite clearly, from inside the room we both heard the sound of a dog panting. The room was small. There was no dog. Steve looked at me.

“Did you hear that?”

“Yep.”

“Did it sound like a dog?”

“Yep.”

We looked around the room. Steve did the Twilight Zone theme.

I would like to say that a cloud passed over the sun and the birds went quiet, but none of that happened. It continued on being a bright sunny day with chirping.

Some weeks later Steve was at home by himself. He was upstairs in the bathroom and was just about to open the door when he heard, quite plainly, the sound of a dog running up the stairs and along the corridor to stop just outside. Now Steve has never been that comfortable with dogs, so he was a little reluctant to open the door. He waited for a minute or two. There was no further sound. He opened the door slowly. There was nothing there (you knew I was going to say that, right?). His first thought was that someone had left the downstairs door open, and a dog had come in off the street and headed up the stairs. But you’re already ahead of me – the front door was closed. There was no dog to be found anywhere in the house.

A few weeks passed. I had been at home, alone, for most of the morning. I was just about to go to work. I was in the dining room downstairs. I grabbed my bag, picked up my keys from the dining room table and headed off down the corridor that led past the stairs to the front door. Just as I drew level with the stairs, I heard, quite distinctly from a sort of cupboard that had been built in the stair recess, the scratching and clawing of an animal about the size of, oh, a medium sized dog. You know the sound – that sort of rapid-fire scratching that dogs do when they want to get at something. Now I had seen the inside of this cupboard. It was about a cubic metre in size, and, phantom dogs notwithstanding, was completely empty.

The scratching continued, quite audibly, for a few more seconds and then abruptly stopped. I was so completely freaked out, that I could not pass the stairs at all and had to leave the house by the back door (which entailed going down the side alley, climbing over a locked gate and going to the front door to lock it before I could leave).

I told everyone when I got home. We looked in the cupboard. There was nothing there. We all did the Twilight Zone theme.

Fast forward a month or so. Rod had met a new girl, Kim, and we had been having an introductory dinner. The mood was mellow and we had retired to the loungeroom (downstairs, toward the front of the house with a double doorway that opened out into the hall right at the bottom of the stairs). You can imagine the scene: a darkened room lit with a few candles, some glasses of what in those student days would undoubtedly have been cheap wine, and something vaguely hippy-trippy playing on the record player (no CDs in them days, youngsters).

We were all sitting facing inwards. Kim was facing the door. The chat meandered across many and various subjects, and eventually, there was a thoughtful lull. Kim, who was a fairly quiet girl, chose this gap in the conversation to observe:

“I didn’t know you guys had a dog.”

“Er… that’s because we don’t,” I said.

“But I just saw one,” she said.

A few minutes ago, she told us, she had seen quite plainly a small black and white dog like a Spaniel walk past the bottom of the stairs. The downstairs doors to the house were closed.

Clouds passed in front of the moon. The candles flickered. We drank some more wine. What else do you do?

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The Cow wishes all our readers a spook-filled Samhain with at least as many treats as tricks!

Idea for the Halloween photoshopism from the gorgeous weirdpixie