Tetherd Cow Ahead

The Continuing Misfortunes of Simple Graphics Man ~

#8: The Screaming Saw and the Savage Tree.

It was inevitable that sooner or later SGM was going to get his hands on a chainsaw, right?

Sigh.

Thanks go to Radioactive Jam for spotting SGM in this adventure…

“They shewed his signs among them, and wonders in the land of Ham” Ëœ Psalms 105:27

I’m pretty sure that’s a misprint and should read ‘land of Beef’, otherwise it doesn’t make a lot of sense.

You can make your own signs for distribution throughout the land of Ham, Beef or other meat products at Church Sign Generator

Thanks (yeah, really, I needed to spend half an hour playing with this) to Nurse Myra for distracting me from my writing homework with this link.

Hold on to your pyramid hats Cowettes, today we’re going to take a walk on the Wild Side of the Highly Bizarre! “What’s new?” I hear you cry. “I always come to The Cow with that expectation!”

Ah yes, so very true, but today I have one of the most special items in Mysterious Corner to show you.

This is what it says on the front of the box:

The Aetherius Society

Holy Stone

FROM MOUNT BALDY, AMERICA

MOUNTED IN A HANDMADE TRIANGLE

There are copious notes with the Holy Stone but for the sake of brevity I’ll just provide you here with a few extracts. On the ‘Important Instructions’ sheet:

This sacred article is carefully hand-crafted to an exact shape and formula designed by Doctor George King, President of the Aetherius Society.

Here is some information on Doctor George King, including a very scary portrait. The ‘exact shape’ that Dr King has so cunningly designed is what would in less enlightened circles be described as an equilateral triangle. As to the ‘formula’, well, the sacred article appears to be made out of wood, but I guess I could be mistaken on that score. The instructions continue:

Because of the mystical shape of this article, it is fairly fragile. It should not be dropped or roughly handled.

Because of the shape? Because it’s a triangle, it’s fragile? Hmmm. Setting aside the confusing logic, this assertion is just not convincing. A spun-glass Yuletide ornament is fragile. A balsa wood aeroplane frame is fragile. A 150 million year old compsagnathus skeleton is fragile. A solid wooden triangle with sharp points is robust enough to be a murder weapon. But that’s another story.

Do not allow this article to be handled by strangers and only handle it a minimum of times yourself.

Much as you might treat the precious things of the shop, perhaps.

The instructions include various packaging and care tips, including the admonition to ‘always keep the article in an upright position’. This is evidently very important, because it is mentioned several times. An additional Information Sheet that comes with the Sacred Article proclaims in big letters at the top:

Each Shape is a Radionic Machine!

It goes on to say that “all owners of these Shapes, containing Holy Stones from the Holy Mountains charged during Operation Starlight” are urged to regard the Shapes as “little radionic machines!” Doctor King wants us to know that “there is at least 100,000 years of experience behind the knowledge which he put into the design of these Shapes”. Normally, this would provide a bit of a problem since that puts us well back before the Stone Age, but this is no hurdle for the Aetherians, who believe that humans are just an outpost of a huge intergalactic civilization that has been around for yonks. If you care to read about that kind of thing you can spend a lot of time doing so on the Aetherius Society web page.

The Instruction leaflet also has some tips for those wishing to take their Holy Stone & Wooden Triangle on holidays:

If you wish to take this sacred article with you on vacation or other trips, pack it carefully in its own box and pack it in an upright position.

Oh yes, I can see it now:

Would you mind opening your briefcase sir. Hmm. Now, what’s this?

Oh, that’s a Holy Stone from Mt Baldy. See – it says so on the box.

A Holy Stone? It’s set in a rather sharp and quite robust looking wooden triangle – I’m afraid you can’t take that on the plane.

Ooh. Be careful – it’s very fragile. Don’t tip it over. And I’d prefer you didn’t handle it quite so much.

And why would that be, sir?

Well, you see, it’s a little radionic machine…

I see. And what exactly would that do then?

Er. Well. Um. I’m not sure. The instructions are quite comprehensive, but they don’t really say anything about that…

Is that right? Excuse me a minute would you sir… Hey, Frank – take a look at the pointy end of this thing. Does that look like blood to you?

Camera Toss (The Blog) is pretty much exactly what it says – a blog about, and by, people who take pictures by throwing their cameras up in the air. It is linked to copious numbers of Flickr sets of images that are gorgeous, inspiring, bizarre and even funny.

The blog describes itself as “A showcase photo-blog for the best of camera tossing and general musings on this form of abstract photography.”

Personally, I would not be using my digital camera for these kinds of shenannigans, but apparently some cavalier people are happy to do so. There are some shots from cheap ‘toy’ cameras that use (gasp) film, which I think might be more in my line.

I notice there are no stereoscopic entries. Perhaps it’s time for me to get out my old Kodak Stereo Realistâ„¢ and get a-tossin’.

Go take a look at the site and you’ll see things like this, this and this.

The Electronic Frontier Foundation is currently running an awareness campaign to raise funds and gather support across the blogosphere. I urge all my fellow bloggers, and also all you lurkers out there (oh yes, I can see you, you know) to get behind this great organization by either joining up, making a donation or carrying some EFF badges on your sites (or all of the above).

The EFF is a non-profit organization which actively campaigns to protect freedom of speech (and other human rights) in the digital world. If you’ve never heard of them, you should go to their site and check them out. If you are a blogger, these are some of the rights the EFF is fighting to protect for you:

♦Your right to blog anonymously.
♦Your right to allow people to comment on your blog without being held responsible for those comments (oooh yes, now couldn’t that be troublesome?).
♦Your right to make fair use of intellectual property (to protect you from, say, being sued because you reviewed a book and quoted from it in that review).
♦Your rights in relation to blogging about your workplace.

And there are many others.

I live in Australia, and most of the law the EFF is helping to define relates only to US law. Nevertheless, as the net evolves, it is extremely likely that the legal scaffold that the EFF sets in place will be used as a guide elsewhere. So even if you live outside the US, I urge you to support the EFF if you are able.

Yes Sir!

I was raised in an Anglican household and went to church regularly. I was baptised and confirmed, and I sang in the choir. I even became a Head Chorister. Somewhere along the line though, after all those Sundays listening to sermons and attending Bible classes, I came to understand that the beguiling story of some beneficent being watching over us tiny scuttling mortals, caring about our affairs and woes, and offering us a nice place to go when we die, was a lot like believing in Santa Claus – I really wanted to think it was true, but in my heart I knew I was only in it for the presents.

Nevertheless, over the years I’ve come to feel that I was somehow gypped of all those hours I put in being a Good Christian Soul. After all, surely Head Chorister can only be a small step away from being Bishop, right? There’s not that much difference in the outfit, aside from the mitre and the staff and a bit of gold braid. It was like doing the apprenticeship but never getting to practice the trade. Just because I don’t believe in God doesn’t make me a bad person (put your hands down in the back you Fundamentalists). I think I’d make a good minister.

It’s some kind of discrimination if you ask me. Why should my religious beliefs affect my job opportunities?

So anyway, yesterday I’m on my way to Damascus on my donkey when all of a sudden there’s this blinding flash of light and a deafening clap of thunder and a booming voice says “Go to the Universal Life Church Monastery, I have work for you to do!”†

I don’t like to argue with preternatural voices, especially when they’re loud, so after the retinal fatigue faded, the ringing in my ears cleared and I got the donkey out of the tree, I dutifully scuttled off to the appointed place and got myself ordained!

It took me about two minutes and I didn’t even need to answer any tough questions (that one about the angels dancing on the head of a pin is always tricky). Best of all, it was completely FREE! Man, if I’d known it was this painless I would have done it years ago.

While I was hanging out at the Universal Life Church Monastery, I noticed I could get my sins absolved too. Well, a person can’t expect to go into the ministry carrying a burden of mortal sin, so a couple of clicks and I was as pure and white as a baby seal in a snow drift. And as a big plus, I got a certificate to prove that as well:

I’m going to print this out and carry it with me everywhere. That way I can throw stones at whoever I want.

Anyway, now that I am an ordained minister, I need to figure out what to do with my new found powers. According to the ULC site I can, amongst other things, marry people, preside over Baby Namings and carry out exorcisms* (obviously, a callout to do all three as a job-lot would get you a discount).

Of course, if I was in the US, my status as a minister, even though it is awarded from the ULC, means I am entitled to a new Social Security number and from there it’s an easy path to a new passport, a driver’s license and a handgun! Wait a minute – it’s lucky I used my real name. What if I’d used some geeky internet handle, surely that would be some kind of identity fraud?

Now, I know what you’re thinking: “It can’t be that easy. The ULC is just some guy having a laugh with a silly internet site that makes bogus certificates for Halloween parties. Anaglyph’s not really an ordained minister!”

Well, be afraid Brothers and Sisters! Not only is the Universal Life Church legally allowed to properly ordain me via the internet, they are a certified religion, with appropriate US tax exemptions.

Another thing I am allowed to do with my new powers is to set up a radio or tv ministry, or even a ministry on the internet! Now there’s an idea.

Running with this thought, I therefore declare this post Official Notice of the Inauguration of the Church of the Tetherd Cow, and the appointment of my good self as His Representative and Internet Spokesperson. Sure we’ve had that as an informal agreement for a while, me & The Cow, but now it’s all proper like.

So, my children, prayerbooks out, turn to page 23 and say after me “I believe in the Holy Cow…”

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*I made that last one up. It doesn’t say that on the site at all, but ‘Marriages ☆ Baby Namings ☆ Exorcisms’ would look really cool on a business card, don’t you reckon?

‡Yeah, yeah. I know, Mysterious Ways and all that. Such a convenient cop-out.

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