Tetherd Cow Ahead

t-shirt humor.com

A couple of days ago my toaster went on the blink in a bizarre red beans and rice incident.* It is one of the frustrating things of this modern age that when domestic appliances break down it is often more expensive to have them repaired than to replace them. With toasters this is evidently always the case as I have learned from past experience. So instead of even bothering to get a repair quote this time, I just gritted my teeth and headed off to David Jones to find a new one. My previous toaster was a Russell Hobbs two slice and I was completely happy with it. It did not for a moment occur to me that what I really needed was The Metropolis.

Film aficionados are aware that the amazing design in Fritz Lang’s cinematic masterpiece Metropolis extends to all details of the production including the character props such as watches, clocks, jewellery and haberdashery, but it is rarely noted that even the kitchen appliances in the film are carefully crafted to complement Lang’s futuristic vision. It is said that Lang himself, unhappy with the original maquettes for the toasters and blenders in the film, took an active part in their realisation.

Rough sketches of the toaster shown in the scene above still survive, penned by the unmistakeable hand of a director with a thousand things on his mind, but driven to perfect even the tiniest detail.

Now, after lengthy negotiations to secure access to these sketches, Italian company DeLonghi has been able to to create an almost perfect replica of one of Lang’s favourite props.

I believe that DeLonghi also intend to release a blender modelled on the one that features in the famous sequence with the evil scientist Rottwang and the electrical activation of his robotic Maria. The company is being very secretive about it, so details are hard to come by, but you can rest assured that when the news breaks you will hear about it first here on The Cow.

*Don’t ask.

Another curio from Mysterious Corner. This is a little birdy button that tweets when you press it.

Download (Click to play…)

I wish I could tell you a story about it, but again, I can’t remember where it came from.

This creepy and beautiful little movie made by 1st Avenue Machine is like something snipped from a nature doco about an alien world. Cute music too.

Spam Observations #16

Someone named Green* sends me this today:

Subject: Only Humans with an IQ of at least 120 are allowed to open this Message

I have no idea what my IQ is but I open it anyway†. Nothing happens to me. So far so good. Either my IQ is over 120 or I’m scamming something. w00t!

The text of the message goes on to say:

Only Humans with an IQ of at least 120 are allowed to: click here

Well they haven’t tumbled to my clever masquerade, and who can tell what treasures await me, so I click there. My browser opens a web page with an error message. Oh, how disappointing, and yet somehow entirely predictable, because… the next part of the email says:

If you can’t open, use this freeware: click here

Oooh. Golly gosh, I wonder what will happen when I click on this link, which, when I run my mouse over it, says: www.pleasescrewmeroyallyrightuptheass.com/ouch/iloveit.zip. Or maybe it is www.pleaseinfectmycomputerwithyourfoulvirus/yes/doitnow.zip: it’s a bit hard to read, my eyes are so blurry with the excitement of having convinced complete strangers of my superior IQ. I am such a k3w1 and krafty h4x0r. Oh the exhilaration of the life of the l337! ph33r m3h n00bs!

I click the link and whaddya know, a file starts to download. Excellent d00d. sploitz or warez 4 sure! pr0n at least!

So here it is… jaja!!! It’s something called ‘MyDoom’‡. w00t! A game. k3w1!

Oh wait… It’s an .exe file! Even with my m4d sk1llz I can’t open it on a Mac.

suxx0r!!! If only I had a PC who knows what adventures I could be having right now!**

*Named Green, or perhaps of that colour. My previous experience with spammers in the amphibian trade admits various possibilities.

†WARNING: This kind of experiment is suitable only for adventurous idiots with a Macintosh. PC users should definitely NOT open these kinds of emails no matter what they think their IQ is.

‡Lie for comic effect.

**Smug Macintosh User Gloating††

††d00d!! A recursive acronym. Is that cool or what?

In the corner of my loungeroom is a small shelf which for possibly understandable reasons has come to be dubbed ‘Mysterious Corner’. It is laden with all manner of arcane trinkets, and I thought I might share a few of them with readers of The Cow. Today I have for your delectation Jesus Saves:

It’s a money box, if you didn’t pick that up. I can’t remember where it came from… (Cissy Strutt?). It has remained empty since I’ve had it. I’m not sure if there is anything allegorical in that.