Tetherd Cow Ahead

My friend Bronni, travelling across the wilds of Dorset in the UK, reports back to The Cow:

“And we single girls thought Sydney was hard. Look what the English lasses are forced to contemplate…”

OK, this is a heads-up people. It’s just over a week to International Talk Like a Pirate Day. Time to get the eye-patches & wooden legs out of storage, get yer pirattitude on and brush up on yer pirate lingo.

If ye don’t know what I’m yabberin’ about me hearties, then ye better be goin’ here. Learn how to talk like a pirate, what it be all about (hint: NOTHING SENSIBLE) and all the best pirate pick-up lines (such as the effective yet subtle “Prepare to be boarded!”).

Lest ye think it’s all silliness, let me refer ye to this important data on the official Flying Spaghetti Monster site which plots the decline in pirate numbers against global warming:

So ye can see it be all scientific-like: by being pirattical, ye may well be helping the environment. For me own part, on the Big Day I will be answerin’ the telephone as Cap’n Pete, keepin’ a plentiful supply of grog on hand and working all day with my pirate keyboard:

So ye lice-infested bilge rats, go find yerselves a parrot and ye proper pirate name, prepare to hoist the Jolly Roger and say after me: “Arrrrr!!”

an·a·glyph: n:

A moving or still picture consisting of two slightly different perspectives of the same subject in contrasting colors that are superimposed on each other, producing a three-dimensional effect when viewed through two correspondingly colored filters.

Don’t look for anything deep in it. I just like the 3D version of Creature from the Black Lagoon.

Spam Observations #12

My recent email has been filled with sperm. Lots of it. Gallons and gallons and gallons. People want to sell me a product called SPUR-M which will apparently increase my sperm quantities to industrial manufacturing levels. Consider these testimonials sent to me by Raymundo (I can’t help but wonder if it’s the same Raymundo who wrote to me once before?):

Satisfied Customers Testimonials

Jimmy —- 47, Male, UK
What you claim is wrong. My sperm volume didn’t
increase by 500%. It increased by a ZILLION %

Wow. A ZILLION %. Let me get out my calculator. Now, a zillion percent would be more than a million, for sure, and more than a billion. Obviously more than a trillion. A trillion has 12 zeroes so let’s give a zillion 13 zeroes for good measure (keep in mind it’s probably more than that). The average quantity of human ejaculate is something around 3ml so punching in the numbers that’s somewhere in the vicinity of 300,000,000 litres. Three hundred million litres of sperm. A 25 metre swimming pool holds about three hundred thousand litres. I sure hope Jimmy doesn’t move in next door to me.

Sharon — Female, UK
My husband decided to try SPUR-M, and the results
are great! I just love it when it starts spurting out

Note that Sharon says she loves it when it starts spurting out. Ten minutes and two thousand litres later, she’s starting to worry about the drapes.

Jose — 29, Male, USA
I cannot believe how good my semen has become. It is
a thick blob that shoots like a rocket. My wife says
she can feel the force with which my semen hits her
inside, which earlier she couldn’t even feel.

I bet she can Jose. The image of rioters being held at bay with a firehose springs alarmingly to mind.

Michael — 41, Male, Hong Kong
I always dreamt of shooting like a porn star and I
can do it now, my girl cannot eat as much as I can shoot.

I am SO not surprised Michael. Even on an empty stomach, that’s a big ask. By the by, is this a common dream, to “shoot like a porn star”? Do other guys have this dream?

“My wife and I had been looking for a product to help
with boosting male fertility. I am happy to say that
test results have improved in the time I have been
using Spur-M (2 months). Thank you for your assistance,
and for the supply of Spur-M”
M. Rosenberg, NYC, USA

Fertility? My God, with those quantities of sperm, M. Rosenberg will be fertilizing every woman on the planet, whether she wants it or not. Girls, hop to! Get your diaphragms and IUDs fitted snugly. M. Rosenberg might be on the job tonight!

Cow-o-philes all: I have had to activate Word Verification on TCA Comments owing to a huge overnight spamming of The Cow. I know this impinges somewhat on the spontaneity of the quick quip, but I ask your forbearance; mopping up the puerile drivel of the spammers this morning was, I think, the e-equivalent of hosing down the front porch after finding some drunken louts had pissed all over it during the night.

We now resume normal transmission.

I don’t really, as you all know. But this is the name of an intriguing project by perfumer Christopher Brosius at CB I Hate Perfume. Brosius says of himself “I am an artist, and perfume is my medium”. One of his fascinations seems to be that of creating memories with perfumes and he claims to have successfully captured the scents of ‘Snow’ and ‘Skin’ (I think we can take it that he is speaking poetically) and is working on ‘Birthday Candles’ and ‘Puppy’.

Speaking of birthdays, September 27 is fast approaching, and I quite like the sound of ‘Mr. Hulot’s Holiday’ which is described as “the salty breath of the breeze off the sea, driftwood, rocks covered with seaweed and the smell of old leather suitcases”. What more could anyone want in a perfume? Or for a birthday present?

You can read reviews of a couple of the scents from CBIHP here on one of my favourite blogs Now Smell This.