Tetherd Cow Ahead

Well, my birthday is nigh and Nurse Myra certainly knows the way to a young blogger’s heart. Yesterday she gave me a copy of the Innovations Christmas Catalogue. I am not entirely sure if it is my present, or if I am supposed to choose my present from the vast possibilities contained therein. It’s a win/win situation. It’s going to keep me supplied with blogging material for months. Crikey, where do I start? Maybe here:

This object doesn’t actually have a name (missed opportunity, or what!) but this is what the catologue promises:

Feel your tension drift away – total relaxation at your bedside!

Let the sounds of nature soothe you to sleep or aid your meditation. This beautiful relaxation centre reproduces 8 realistic sounds including a running stream, rainforest and songbird. It casts a beautiful, changing light through the crystal ball, and you can use it with aromatherapy beads (supplied). Measuring 21 x 15 x 15 cm with a 10cm glass sphere, it is powered by a mains adaptor (included). The sound and light will turn off automatically, so it’s perfect for bed time.

Man, I want this relaxation centre so badly. It’s a work of genius: light, sound and smell all in one neat unit.

Think of the sensory experience available at the push of a button! There’s Ocean Waves – imagine: the warm light of sun through your closed eyelids, the soothing sound of the surf and the scent – courtesy of the aromatherapy beads (supplied) – of the salty spray from the sea. Or Rainforest: dappled sunlight through the leaves, the smell of damp warm leaf mulch and the sound of monkeys screeching in the canopy high above. Or the enigmatically suggested Rural Sounds: the flickering light of flame from an autumn bonfire, the restful tones of tractors and hay-bailing machines with occasional pig squeals, and the nostalgic aroma of cow manure and superphosphate. And we shouldn’t forget Summer Nights: the strobing of police lights in the street outside, the distant doof-doof-doof of the house down the road where all the teenagers live and the cheap perfume from the hooker who’s set up shop in front of your house.

Genius, I tell you.

And the Innovations people have helpfully added advice for any unimaginative browser who might think “What the hell would I do with one of those?”: Give it to someone as a gift! Now there’s something you’d never have thought up yourself!

You guys just wait till you see the leopard-print toilet seat.

Spam Observations #15

Barrister Kelvin Bello (Esq) sent me details of how I might collect $US7 million dollars for doing him a trifling favour. It was addressed thus:

From: dr_bello_11@yahoo.co.uk
Subject: HOW ARE YOU TOADY

Hmmm. Should I take offense at his manners, when there is such a substantial sum in the offing?

Organic water? Huh? My brain hurts. What do they mean? Why are they torturing the language so? In the proper scientific sense of the word, water is profoundly not organic since it contains no carbon compounds.

The only way it could be considered to be organic, would be if it contained carbon-based life-forms. That is, things floating in it…

I think I’ll go have a beer.

[Thanks Sarah]

Spam Observations #14

Helga wrote to me today to say:*

You’ll be surprized the number of confused girls looking for adventurous people! 0! have some fun now!

Helga seems to be telling me that the number of confused girls looking for adventurous people is zero! She is obviously aware of my penchant for statistics and numbers, but I’m not exactly sure why she thinks this in particular will be of interest to me, and further, how I could have fun with this information.

Leaving Helga’s obvious lack of mathematical acumen aside, one is left with the image of confused girls in Himalayan bars making eyes at visitors over the fermented yak’s milk:

“Hey big boy. That’s a pretty nice caribiner you’ve got there – can I touch it? I bet you could show a girl the ropes. You look like a mountain man – I bet you like… oh! This isn’t The Stoned Crow! How did I get here? Who are you? What is this with the disgusting Vodka and Rancid Yoghurt?”

*The spam in this series is quoted verbatim. As bizarre as each is.

Thanks Michael B. for this superb contribution to Tetherd Cow Ahead. The Cow salutes you.

An extra ration of grog all round!

Spam Observations #13

Henry wrote to me today with a remedy for my failure to attract beautiful women:

Don’t you wish you could attract all the most gorgeous women around you each day? Its easier then you think. A few dabs of Ultra Allure Pheromones will have women fighting over you.

Women fighting over me? Would it be too much to hope for naked jelly-wrestling?

Scientifically proven to work- pheromones have been used for years now to attract women.

And ants.

Don’t be at a disadvantage anymore- pheromones will help any male attract women of all types and ages.

Awww… hang on, it’s starting to sound a bit indiscriminate… And scary. I don’t know if I want women of all types and ages flocking to my door. Does this Ultra Allure stuff come in a flavour that won’t attract Bronwyn Bishop or Pauline Hanson or Amanda Vanstone?*

Don’t be left behind! Millions of men are already benefiting from using pheromons to attract women-

(and ants…)

-without them you are at a disadvantage! Don’t let the other guy get the girl, arm yourself with Ultra Allure pheromones tonight!

Hang on, if all these other men are drenching themselves in these pheromones, and I do too, it’s just going to be one big pheromone free-for-all out there. Hey, maybe that’s it! Those poor crazed women are going to be so hormone-addled by the haze of pheromones that they’ll be just jumping anything that moves. It’ll be like shooting fish in a barrel!

If YOU would like to …
– Become a lot more sexually attractive.

Uh huh…

– Meet more beautiful women, MUCH more easily.

I’m listening…

– Grab the attention and get approached by women far more often.

Go on…

– Make a fantastic, memorable, compelling impression , every time.

Sounding good…

– Increase your self-confidence and masculinity BIG-time: then this may be the most important news you will read all year.

Henry, I’m sold! Where do I sign? Oh, just before I do, coupla quick questions: Women are not going to think I’m a giant ant are they? Because, like, giant ants are not really known for getting the girl, except in 1950s horror movies in which instance it generally turns out badly for the ant. And, um, just curious, but can you tell me if there are any known side-effects if Ultra Allure is used in conjunction with SPUR-M?

*Overseas visitors: Australian political figures who, if you are lucky, you will never ever read about again.