Tetherd Cow Ahead

I’m amusing myself at the moment by reading these wonderful Tales From the Help Desk from an employee of a Really big Internet service Provider (RIP). Like this:

Customer: “I think I may have forgotten the password… but I’m not sure if I have or not. Can you tell me if I did?”

Operator: “Yes, I can test that for you at this end. What’s the password you’re entering?”

Customer: “I don’t know.”

Operator: “…In that case, I think you’ve forgotten it.”

If ever you need to be reminded how stupid people can be, you need only to read something from here. In the FAQ from the site:

Are the stories really true?

Yes. Every story on this site happened. The calls were all taken by me or co-workers.

I particularly like the ‘They SAY… they MEAN…’ section. Enjoy.

[Link]

I like to think that Mitsubishi was tipping their hat to Robert Wise’s magnificent ‘The Day the Earth Stood Still’ when they named their ‘Verada’. Here’s my pitch for a new ad to get Verada back into the hearts and minds of motorists across the globe:

Patricia Neal crouches terrified as the ominous Gort approaches and towers over her. But remembering what Klaatu has told her she carefully enunciates the words “Klaatu verada nikto”. The camera cranes up to reveal that Gort has arrived not in a spaceship, but instead has climbed out of a beautiful new shiny silver Verada!

Brilliant huh? No? Well at least it would make some sense of the STUPID name!

As for their dumb ‘Outlander’ well what the feck does that mean? Think about it. Outlander. I’m sure they think that the first thing to spring to mind is some kind of aspirational blend of ‘outback’ and ‘overlander’ but sorry chaps, my brain goes to the nearest equatable English word which is outlandish. There’s no way I’m going to get into a car that proclaims itself as outlandish. Especially one that is so monumentally conservative. That’s not even irony. It’s just deeply sad.

Moving on to the Corolla ‘Ascent’ well what can one say at this pathetic attempt to reassure a potential buyer that it might be able to do more than get up to speed on the downhill run. If you’ve ever seen the car, it’s certainly not a name that could have metaphorical underpinnings as far as social status is concerned. No one is going to look at you in this car and say, “Gee, there goes Frank – he’s certainly certainly heading toward the dizzying heights of fame and success in that fine vehicle of his…”

And then there is the Ford ‘Ka’. What intellectual giant regurgitated that piece of marketing inanity?

Hey I just got a new Ka!

Great! What did you buy?

I’m saying. A Ka.

Yeah I heard you, but what kind?

That’s the kind. A Ka.

Yes, but what model. You know, a Verada? A Getz? An Impreza?

A Ka! I bought a Ka!

Oh forget it moron. I’ve got to go get my Xcel from the panel beater. Some chick with an attitude dragged a key down the side of it.

Graffiti, churchyard wall, Newtown Australia. A cold windy Winter day, June 2005

Spam Observations #9

Today, Maude Glenn wrote to me with Exciting News. Allow me to share it with you:

From: Maude Glenn
Subject: I Found Them!

At last I can have sex!

I have found an amazing site. Since I have been a member, I have been getting laid three times a week. You don’t have to use a credit card, and don’t have to pay a penny.

(And why not I say! Go Maude. You rock sister!)

There are so many guys and girls there it’s unreal… must be the free membership! There’s single people, married people, and people looking for quiet sex “on the side”

(Sure, that sounds fair enough.)

The last time I checked, they had 1.5 million free members, most of them are getting together regually with someone like you!

(Gee, er, OK… I don’t know if I have that many condoms… especially if it’s going to be a regualar thing…)

You can choose what you want too… from erotic email and cyber-fun to voyeurism, discrete relationships, casual sex or lonely hearts looking for love!

(Oh, OK. Maybe just erotic email then. Still, that’s a lot of typing…)

Its all set up for Men, women, couples and groups… Just key in how many of you that there are, choose what you want, and they get you together for some fun!

(Er… there’s only one of me. I don’t think we want to be adding to the numbers any further. Do they do rsvp’s or something? I’d kind of like to get some idea how many will be coming over, you know, for the catering and all.)

I have had sex six times this week with 3 different girls.

(Oh, wait. Oh, I see. Sorry Maude, I didn’t realise you swung that way. My bad. Um, is this email meant for me? I’m a bloke you know.)

Before I could barely manage once a month, and the cost of the drinks and meals was simply too much!

(I know, tell me about it. Is that the pits or what? All you want is a root and you have to take these women out to dinner, make conversation, get them drunk, yadda yadda yadda. Your new scheme seems so much easier. And you know Maude, speaking from a man’s point of view, it’s nice to hear that it’s the same for you girls, all that mucking around with unecessary food & drink. I’m really glad you got in contact. Maybe we should hook up for a few laughs. I bet you’ve got some stories to tell! Of course, we would each pay for our own drinks, I wouldn’t want you to get the wrong idea… Well, unless, you’re interested in boys too… I mean, I don’t mind or anything…)

I’ve been getting laid all month for free!

See you at the party! Meet everyone here!

See ya later
Charlie Alexandre Ferreira

(Hey! What the…? Maude? Are you having a lend of me? What is this Charlie business? We were getting along so well and then you go and pull some cyber Crying Game number on me. Darn, now I’m all confused. I suppose the clues were there from the start: Maude Glenn. As in Glen or Glenda? right? And that subject line I Found Them! Yeah, now I know what you’re talking about. How far would you have let me get before I found them, eh Maude?

My mother always said this email business would get to get me into trouble. I should have stuck with cheap piano bars.)

Crikey, that was close! Glad I read the label…

My new digital image exhibition opens at blank_space gallery in Sydney on June 30 and runs until July 13. Come and be part of the Opening Night illuminati or drop in any day between 11am and 6pm and save me from going stark raving bonkers. Make sure you tell me you heard about it on The Cow:

Opening Night
Thursday, June 30
6-8pm
blank_space
374 Crown St
Surry Hills
Sydney

biologika online [Link]